For about a year as I was going through my divorce process, I met weekly with Helen, a psychologist. My goal was to figure out why I married an emotionally distant, reclusive, quick to anger, self-centered bully. In other words, why did I marry my mother?

You probably know people who leave one bad relationship and then jump right into another with the same type of person – usually not with good outcomes. I was determined not to do that.

Personal therapy helped me realize that I chose a mate who was like my mom because I was trying to “fix” my relationship with her. Throughout our marriage, I tried to fix/help/understand my husband. He suffered depression but wasn’t interested in feeling better. He became addicted to pot which made him sleep all the time. (I didn’t know you could get addicted to pot.) Everything in his life was negative and it was all my fault (according to him!)

My therapist suggested I attend Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon Family Groups, https://al-anon.org, founded in 1951, is an international mutual aid organization for people who have been impacted by another person’s alcoholism. My husband wasn’t an alcoholic, however the people in my Al-Anon group were dealing with loved-ones who were addicted to alcohol and other self-destructing behaviours. I attended weekly meetings for about 6-months. It was a life-changing experience. I learned I can’t control anyone but myself. It’s not fair to me or to the people I love to expect them to change, be happy, quit smoking, or get help for depression unless they want to. And, just because someone blames me for their problems, doesn’t make it true – it’s their problem to deal with. I realized my ex-husband didn’t make me feel miserable, I made myself miserable because I felt like I failed him and our marriage. I didn’t have the courage – yet – to admit I wanted a divorce. Again, the voice in my chest spoke, “It’s OK to get divorced,” so I did.

Personal therapy is a great gift to yourself. I highly recommend therapy whenever you have a major disruption in your life. This website – GoodTherapy.org – is a good source for helpful information about therapy and therapists. Your true love list starts with you so take good care of yourself.